Project Koala
by alocin
Summary: The Agents have a new and terrible weapon to use against the rebels. Can you guess what it is yet? Attempted humour, general insanity. Yup I actually wrote some more! It's a miracle...
1. Part un

Project Koala, written by alocin  
  
*I own nothing; I am only borrowing the Matrix people from Warner Bros, etc and the Koalas from Satan who is their master. This "story" if you will call it that is an attempt at some humour, but only an attempt. It is based in my own little universe somewhere, after the first film. Thanks to the Agents board peeps who really brought out the Koalas!*  
  
The streets were dark and, for the most part, deserted at such a late hour. This was an advantage to people who did not want their actions to be observed by others. Bob was one such person. He walked quickly through the city streets, his leather jacket pulled close around himself to keep the icy night air out. It might not be real, he thought to himself, but it sure felt cold enough.  
  
"'Do some more reconnaissance', he said, 'It'll only take a little while', he said. Yeah right! He's not the one freezing to death out here." Muttering to himself Bob turned the corner into another empty road.  
  
"I'd go get McDonalds if it wasn't so damm late. Stupid 'reconnaissance', not gonna find anything round here except rubbish." He aimed a kick at an empty can, sending it spinning into the gutter.  
  
"Does he think the Agents are gonna hang around somewhere like this, just waiting for Neo to turn up so he can explodify some more of them? Stuck up bald git." He just hoped that Morpheus wasn't listening in on what he was saying.  
  
Maybe this vague paranoia was what made Bob notice the scratching sounds behind him instantly. He span around, his hand reaching for the gun in his inside coat pocket. Scanning the streets he saw nothing to be alarmed at, but his paranoia remained.  
  
"Probably nothing," he told himself. "Just rats." Another little voice inside his head said that that was what they all said, just before they were picked off by the serial killer. Or Agent. "God, I am getting paranoid."  
  
Shaking his head he continued walking down the street. But not for long. The scratching suddenly became faster and closer, and as he turned back towards the noise he was confused by what he saw running at him.  
  
"What the hell are you doing here, in the middle of a city?" Of all the things to come across. Maybe it escaped from the zoo. "You're not going to find any eucalyptus here." It looked kinda cute. Like it would make a good pet.  
  
Then to his horror the creature bared it's fangs and leaped for his face. Disbelief on his face, Bob reached for his gun he tried to back away but it was too fast. His screams pierced the quiet night air, followed by several shots. Then there was silence again, but for the horrible crunching of teeth cracking bone.  
  
On the Nebuchadnezzer there was confusion. One of their own had been killed and they had no idea what had occurred. After Bob's body had been removed a meeting was called to try and determine what exactly had happened.  
  
"I was watching him on the screens, walking along just fine. There were no Agent signatures." Link confirmed. "But something in there got him."  
  
"It almost looked like he had been mauled, from the wounds on his body." Trinity pointed out. He had not been a pretty sight. Neo had excused himself when he saw it, and disappeared away in the direction of the head. He still looked distinctly more pale than usual. Morpheus looked troubled.  
  
"I have an idea that I may know what caused Bob's untimely death." He said, looking down at the table. "If I am right then it does not bode well for us. While I was being held captive by the Agents at their headquarters, I noticed a peculiar and strong smell in the building. That of eucalyptus. This suggested to me that the Agents were doing research with.koalas."  
  
At the mention of the word Neo made a strangled squeaking noise. Link looked confused, never having heard of them before. Trinity laughed.  
  
"Koalas!? The fluffy little Australian bear things? You've got to be kidding!"  
  
"I regret to say I am not. You see once I was freed from them I did some research into Phascolarctos cinereus, or the koala. They are not the cute, fluffy marsupial they are made out to be. They are responsible for more human deaths than wolves, bears, crocodiles and sharks combined! The fluffiness is merely a disguise. They have large fangs, sharp claws and a vicious temper."  
  
Neo looked as if he was going to be sick again. Morpheus continued.  
  
"Although it is rumoured that koalas eat only eucalyptus, they actually have a taste for human flesh, preferring it over leaves when available." Morpheus looked grave. "I believe that the Agents have taken the koala, an already vicious foe, and have altered it's programming slightly so they can be controlled - directed to attack specific targets."  
  
"Killer koalas? I'll believe it when I see it." Trinity scoffed. "Why would they go to all that trouble to make trained koalas? Why not just get a big vicious dog or something?"  
  
"I am not sure." Admitted Morpheus. "They must have their reasons."  
  
"Erm..." Neo began, his voice shaking slightly. "This might be a good time to tell you guys that I have a, uh, a phobia of k,..k,..koalas. You see, when I was a kid we went to the zoo this one time, and I put my hand through the bars to feed this k,..koala." He closed his eyes. "It just went for me! It's eyes were glowing, and it had these huge fangs! It was terrible, I thought I was going to lose my hand. I still have a scar."  
  
Trinity leant forward to examine his hand. Neo pulled it back. "Let me see!" she said, grabbing his wrist. A tiny, barely visible line was all there was to see. "Is that it? You're a baby sometimes, you really are." Neo glared at her.  
  
"No matter how it started, Neo does seem to have a genuine phobia." Morpheus tried to regain control of the meeting. "Obviously the Agents discovered this and are trying to exploit his weakness. They assume he will be powerless against koalas. What are we going to do?"  
  
"God, they are just koalas! We have guns - they are small marsupials. I wouldn't have thought there was much of a contest." Trinity still hadn't grasped the ferocity of koalas. Neo tried to enlighten her.  
  
"They are very bloodthirsty. And they strike like lightning! If they catch you unawares." He shuddered. "That must be how they got Bob!" Morpheus made calming motions at Trinity, who was beginning to get frustrated by Neo's evident terror of koalas.  
  
"Despite Neo's fear of regular koalas, they are no match for an alert human, particularly if they are armed. We must assume that the Agents have also increased their programmed strength and speed." At this revelation, which he obviously hadn't thought of, Neo quietly keeled over in a dead faint. Trinity rolled her eyes. Morpheus still looked troubled. Link, being of little use in this section had, erm... wandered off somewhere.  
  
Meanwhile at their overground headquarters the Agents plotted the rebels doom. Smith had in some unexplained fashion been rebuilt after Neo had explodified him, and he had been planning "Project Koala" ever since. Once he had learned of the phobia that "The One" had suffered since childhood the plan had taken shape. The insufferable Mr Anderson's file also revealed that he had an unexplained phobia of peanut butter, but the natural programmed ferocity of the koala made it a better subject.  
  
The other Agents had not been impressed by their offices being filled with eucalyptus while the reprogramming of the koalas was taking place. Once they learned of the marsupials liking for human flesh the relationships improved, with the koalas being taken with the agents to "assist" during the interrogation of rebel suspects. Agent Brown in particular came to enjoy being with the koalas, hand feeding them the choicest bits of dead rebels. He admired their ferocity and was always pleased when they tried to take a bite out of his arm.  
  
Once the koalas had been fully reprogrammed it was time to test them. Agent Smith directed Koala One, as he had imaginatively named him, to an area regularly patrolled by rebels seeking new recruits. After a few hours of lurking behind some dustbins Koala One spotted a rebel target. After requesting authorisation to attack, he began to stalk his prey. The rating is not high enough for me to completely describe his vicious attack, but he carried back to the Agents Bob's left ear and a kidney, which he was planning to eat later. Smith was pleased. His koalas were everything he had planned them to be. Now to go after bigger prey...Mr Anderson. 


	2. Part deux

**To people who have read the first chapter - sorry. I truly am. Getting Link and Lock mixed up was just stupid, I had only seen Reloaded once, several months before, at the time but still I am an idiot (sighs, contemplates suicide, then decides maybe that is just taking it too far) Okay I am over my stupidity now. Well I wrote that Freeway Frolics parody a while back after having some insomnia and now guess what? Yes I can't sleep! It's bloody 3am as I start this and I have to get up at 8am and dear God I am going to have to sleep in my lectures today. Anyway yes also some brave intrepid souls are still reviewing, (merci beaucoup to all who have) and after getting two reviews in one night both saying "continue!" - Kit19 and Eris - I have decided oh why the hell not, just how awful can it be? Well you are now going to find out...**  
  
Project Koala... the madness continues some more. Yup still by alocin.  
  
The newly re-named Link, as most people generally know him by, had wandered off into another part of the Neb whilst the discussion about Neo's fear of Koalas raged on. He was aimlessly wondering just why they didn't bring along any board games or cards to help pass the time when he heard the scratching noise. Almost like an animal of some sort, scratching and scraping at metal in a bid to escape from where it was trapped. After all the talk of killer marsupials he wasn't taking any chances and ran to get the rest of the crew. Yes all three of them.  
  
Listening carefully they identified the source of the noise - it was coming from one of the larger storage cupboards on the main deck. They formed a battle line with Neo pushed to the front, against his will, and the rest further behind him. He cautiously advanced towards to cupboard, jagged piece of metal pipe gripped in his nervous hands. If there was a Koala in there then he was as prepared as he ever would be. Mustering his courage his jabbed at the catch to the cupboard and out tumbled a grey, raggedy blur. Neo screamed like a girl but valiantly poked at it with his piece of jagged metal pipe. The form protested.  
  
"Owww! Stop that!" it unjumbled itself and stood up. "Neo!!! It's you! At last!"  
  
Trinity turned away and leaned her head against the wall. "No not him, why him...?"  
  
The Kid, for yes it is the dear Kid who we all know and love, launched himself at Neo and grabbed his left ankle, firmly attached. Neo tried backing away a few steps but only succeeded in dragging his admirer across the floor.  
  
"Trinity - help! Get him off me!" Trinity just sighed and stalked off towards the mess room. Morpheus and Link aided Neo in detaching the limpet- like Kid, who seemed disgruntled at being removed from his idol.  
  
"But I came all this way shut in that cupboard! Won't you let me be near Neo!!! now? I love you Neo!!! I am your biggest fan, will you sign my head- plug??" Neo was deeply disturbed by this display and glad when the others dragged the Kid away. But it could be worse, he thought, it could have actually been a Koala...  
  
Meanwhile back at the ranch... I mean back at the overground headquarters again, Agent Smith was still busy scheming away at Project Koala. The first test had been a success, with Koala One now happily chewing away at the unfortunate Bob's left ear while sitting in a corner of Agent Smith's office. In fact Jasmine was by far the best the best koala trained so far and was now designated the lead koala.  
  
That was the only not no satisfactory part of Project Koala. Kola One, as Smith called him, had been borrowed by a fellow Agent and when he returned he had been wearing a collar with a name-tag reading "Jasmine" and would now only respond to that... hideous name. Just how was he, the evil Agent Smith, supposed to order his best koala to attack Mr Anderson by commanding something along the lines of "Go Jasmine, crush him!"? The One would be more likely to die from a fit of hysterical giggling.  
  
Anyway that was the only flaw in his otherwise perfect plan. He had it all arranged, Mr Anderson would be lured into his trap and then at the moment of triumph he would spin around in his chair, stroking Koal... Jasmine... and then say "Ahh, we meet again Mr Anderson!". If time allowed he would then give a small insanely evil laugh, then direct the Koalas to tear the resistance's "Messiah" into itty-bitty pieces. He smiled to himself. He liked being the evil arch-nemesis sometimes. Plotting the death of the "hero" was very fulfilling work.  
  
Part One of the bid to cure Neo's Koala-phobia required a volunteer. Morpheus, Trinity and Link all volunteered the Kid to be the volunteer. He seemed eager enough to accept, despite not knowing what it involved.  
  
"Sure, I'm just so glad you guys are willing to let me help! I'll do anything if it helps Neo!!!" Even after being rolled up in several grey blankets he remained keen. "This is just so great, actually being on the Neb and working with you guys." It was only as the head of the costume, a made mask constructed from goop and rags, was fitted on that he began to express doubts. "And, er... what is it I do again?"  
  
"You just have to stand there, that's all." Morpheus said soothingly, then decided to go for the low blow of reverse psychology. "Unless you don't think you can manage that?"  
  
"No!! I'm fine, I'll do it great. Honest, just give me a shot!" Trinity snickered to herself, but managed to hide it by coughing. Stupid Kid, she felt kind of sorry for him... but luckily the feeling soon passed.  
  
"Now just stand here. We will leave, then Neo will come in and we will see how he copes. Good luck!" Morpheus added the last bit in a cheery voice. The others quickly exited, leaving the Kid standing alone in the corridor, nervously shuffling about. The head made it hard to see what was going on. It was helping Neo, he was doing his bit, he told himself.  
  
Neo was psyching himself up. Deep breaths, deep cleansing breaths... Or was that for giving birth? He was the One. He could do this. Now or never. Steeling himself he opened the door and entered the corridor. Hearing the noise the Kid turned around.  
  
The creature that confronted him was an image from his nightmares - a hideous half man half Koala beast. It had huge staring eyes and gapping jaws that dripped saliva, sharp grasping claws and a roar like an enraged tiger. In actual fact it was the Kid wrapped in a few blankets with a crudely made mask taped to his head, but in the shadows to the almost hyperventilating Neo he was a fearsome spectacle.  
  
Neo took one look at the creature and nearly fainted, but he was impressed that he in fact remain conscious. Grasping his jagged metal pole tight he advanced on the beast with a battle cry of the like not heard since the last Zion girls under 12's hockey match. He began beating it back, trying to immobilise it before it could attack him. The Kid, wrapped in his several blankets, was not being injured but it was painful enough.  
  
"Oww! Neo!!! It's only me! Oww! Argh! Neo!!!" After ten or fifteen minutes, long enough for the others to have a cup of what passes for tea on the Neb anyway, they decided to go and end the session. After grabbing the metal pole from Neo, Trinity lead him away to have a quiet lie down.  
  
"Awww he's all tuckered out." She commented, rolling her eyes. "Come on."  
  
"You did very well Neo." Morpheus granted as Neo left. "This is all training you to direct anger, rather than fear towards Koalas. Next time we will give it half an hour." This comment produced a groan from the pile of blankets on the floor. "And you are doing very well too. Keep up the good work and I might make you one of my crew."  
  
"Thank you sir. I do it all for Neo!!!" The pile of blankets managed shakily, before collapsing back down to the deck.  
  
**OK well that does not seem too, too bad but it is now 4am so who am I to judge!? Anyway if I ever summon the enthusiasm to write more then Neo might actually get to face a real koala! Yes wow! And there will be more of dear Smithy and Jasmine. And probably more Kid-bashing while I'm at it. Blame the koala's other keeper for Jasmine, I called my koala Boris to start with. Much better name for a vicious marsupial!** 


	3. Part trois

* I am actually writing this instalment of my insane ramblings at a sensible time in the afternoon, so I can't use the "this-was-written-at-3am excuse" for any mistakes/stupidity/lack of any humour whatsoever. Oh well. I still don't own anything, just in case you mistook me for one of the copyright owners who had suddenly developed a fixation on Koalas. *  
  
***  
  
It wasn't easy being a vicious marsupial, Jasmine thought to himself. There were still many people who held deep prejudices against koalas and campaigned to have them all locked up. They claimed that the marsupials were ferocious, man-eating creatures. This was true, and they also liked to devour tiny cute puppies and steal lollipops from small children. But that was no reason to be narrow-minded.  
  
However his frustration directed at much of the human race was easily dealt with by viciously slaughtering a few members of it. He had just returned from hunting out more rebels, and was taking some time out to lick all the precious blood from his shiny fur.  
  
"Excellent work, Jasmine. Soon you shall taste the blood of Mr Anderson." Agent Smith said, patting his favourite koala on the head as he entered the room. "Project Koala is progressing even more satisfactorily than I expected. Phase two is nearly ready to begin."  
  
Jasmine looked up at the agent, but his "boss" didn't seem to be carrying any tasty morsels of rebel so he returned to his grooming. Smith absently patted the koala some more, gazing at the collar and nametag on its neck. He really couldn't go on calling the lead koala Jasmine. It was a completely unsuitable name for such a proud and fierce creature, plus it ruined his sequence of numerical designations. There was now no Koala One, which put his charts out of order.  
  
"Why must you only answer to such a hideous name?" He asked. "Why could they not at least have given you a strong, powerful name such as 'Killer' or 'Mauler'?" Smith decided that he would not put up with it any more. He reached to unbuckle Jasmine's collar, which was bad enough on its own, being pink. Jasmine however seemed quite attached to his collar, and had other ideas. He snapped at the agent's hand before retreating up to the top of a tall bookcase in one corner.  
  
Agent Smith was not going to be defeated by one of his own koalas. He got a broom and tried to encourage Jasmine down with a few not very gentle prods. This just resulted in the broomstick being mangled into toothpick-sized pieces. Muttering to himself, Smith stalked off to find a rebel he could turn into some koala snacks to tempt the uncooperative marsupial down. On top of the bookcase, Jasmine happily resumed his grooming and settled down for a long nap.  
  
*  
  
Not too far away, the Nebuchadnezzar crew were having a field exercise. Well that's what they called it, but it was basically a trip to the zoo with a bit of Neo koala de-sensitising thrown in. After spending the morning looking around at all the enclosures and debating which animal most resembled Morpheus ("It's got to be the hippo."... "No, I'm going for baboon."... "Quiet! I look like that majestic and serene warthog over there.") they were now preparing to approach Koala Korral - the koala habitat.  
  
"Are you sure you are ready for this, Neo?" Morpheus asked, concerned. "You could always have another few sessions with the Kid..."  
  
"No! I think he's ready." The Kid jumped in, hastily. He was still hobbling and had two black eyes from his last session as a koala substitute. "After all he is The One - he's Neo!!! He can make it."  
  
Neo was quite anxious and shifted from one foot to another. He looked over at Trinity. "What do you think, Trin? Am I ready?"  
  
Trinity rolled her eyes. "Neo, it's just a few koalas and they will be behind a fence. Unless they suddenly learn to fly they won't be able to get to you." Neo suddenly looked quite panic stricken at the prospect of flying koalas. Trinity threw her hands up in the air. "You can fly yourself! They won't hurt you. Now get in there."  
  
At Trinity's stern order, Neo immediately headed towards the exhibit. He took some more deep breaths. It would be okay, he could do this. They would be behind a fence. He would be safe. The entrance was dominated by a large sign proudly announcing that this was "KOALA KORRAL - the largest collection of captive-bred koalas in the World!". Below that there was a notice saying "Join us in hand-feeding the koalas today!". That was not what Neo wanted to hear. He didn't want his hand fed to the koalas again.  
  
He managed to walk through the entrance and into the building itself. The walls were covered with paintings of various cartoon koalas such as Blinky Bill and Bunyip Bluegum. Koalas wearing clothes - it was terrifying. One had a straw boater hat on, which made Neo shiver with horror. Then he saw it. The koala. It was attacking that small child! The foul beast was actually clinging to a small blonde girl's back, about to sink its fangs into her neck!  
  
Neo summoned up all of his courage, and tried to block out the fear which threatened to make him curl up into a little ball and whimper like a small, lost hedgehog. Using all of his One-ish powers he leapt towards the girl and the vicious, slavering marsupial. He yelled a long, drawn out "Noooooo!" and pulled the creature away before it could rip open her throat. Wrestling it to the ground, he gripped it's neck and tried to strangle the life out of it. Then someone hit him over the head with an umbrella.  
  
"What the hell do you think you are doing?!" Shouted the woman wielding the umbrella, hugging her crying daughter. It was about then that Neo realised he was strangling a fluffy, koala-shaped backpack. He tried handing this back to the little girl, but her mother chased him out of the Koala Korral, still waving her umbrella threateningly. The crew called Link to arrange an exit quickly, leaving before the chaos was noticed by the agents.  
  
*  
  
Back at the Koala Korral, Neo's ineptitude in dealing with the fluffy backpack had kept the visitors attention away from the koalas themselves. No one then noticed a particularly large koala, with particularly sharp and pointy fangs, climbing over the fence and escaping. This was probably for the best, since if they had noticed the koala they most likely would also have noticed the small camera it was wearing on its head. Koala Five, or Tulip, as his new collar proclaimed, had filmed the entire incident. This was then played back at the agent headquarters.  
  
"Ahh yes Mr Anderson. You might be able to deal with a child's backpack but you will soon discover that my koalas are much tougher adversaries." Agent Smith said, watching the tape. "Good work Koala Five... What is that around your neck? Tulip?! Not another one! I will not have more of my koalas given sappy names. It completely undermines my evil plan." With that he left in a huff to go an order some black spiked dog collars, and nametags engraved with their official numerical designations. The koalas did not seem impressed when they arrived, and promptly chewed them into little pieces.  
  
Smith glared at them. "Bad koalas! Fine, you can keep your flowery names. But officially you are still only assigned numbers. I am not going to keep re-doing my evil plan flowcharts." The koalas seemed happy with this, and celebrated by going out and killing several rebels. Said rebels did not seem keen to join in the party, but they didn't have much say in the matter.  
  
*  
  
On the Nebuchadnezzar, news came in of the further deaths.  
  
"You shall have to face them some time, Neo." Morpheus said, looking grave. "We are finding it hard to get volunteers to go into the Matrix when they keep, well, getting eaten by koalas."  
  
"I did okay with the koala earlier." Neo protested, defensively.  
  
"Yes, but that wasn't actually real..." the captain pointed out.  
  
Neo frowned. "Well I didn't know that at the time. It was a very frightening looking backpack, that little girl will end up traumatised."  
  
"If she does it will be because of you leaping at her and trying to kill it." Trinity said dryly. "Look you need to get over your disturbing psychological issues now, before I try my own brand of 'therapy' on you which involves this pointy stick right here." She waved her particularly threatening looking pointy stick at him.  
  
Neo gulped. "I'll try. Maybe it would help if I did some intensive work with the koala substitute?"  
  
"That sounds like a good plan to me." Trinity said with a sly smile. "Oh Kid..."  
  
The Kid hobbled in. "I'm here! Can I help Neo!!! somehow?"  
  
"I think you can." Morpheus said, handing him the poorly constructed koala suit.  
  
"Oh...Yay."  
  
***  
  
* Yes, well, there you are. Writing during the day doesn't seem to make a great deal of difference. Neo still hasn't faced an actual koala, I do intend him to eventually but at this rate it could take a while! Any suggestions for other flower-related Koala names, please do go ahead! * 


End file.
